This is Our Story...

This past Thanksgiving morning, Aaron and I found out that we are having a baby! This will forever change Thanksgivings for us, as we could not be more thankful for this miracle God has so graciously given us. This has been a long, hard journey for us for the last several years. This is our story...

I will never forget the moment, a few years ago, I was sitting in our car, tears streaming down my face, feeling so discouraged and questioning so many things, when my husband leaned over and gently whispered, “This is our story.” He proceeded to remind me that our story will look different from other stories and we can’t question or compare those things, we can simply trust that God is writing our story perfectly for His glory and our good. That one simple phrase stuck with me and changed me. I actually made a canvas and hung it in our living room that said, "This is our story," to remind us of that truth. I often remind myself the beautiful, and sometimes hard, truth that God is writing our story perfectly. I will not always understand why He writes it the way He does, but I know that I can trust Him and that He is good. Even in the hardest moments, I don’t want to trade our story for anything else, because I know it is exactly where God has us.

I didn’t understand why Aaron and I had longed for a family for 3 years, and we had watched countless friends get pregnant and start families, while our desires seemed lost and hopeless at times.  We have both wanted and talked about having a big family since we started dating, and here we were 4 1/2 years into our marriage and still no sign of even starting that dream. It is hard, because I cannot control it. I can’t create life, only God can. Aaron and I had done our part; we have pursued different doctors and specialists and had many tests done, all which come back perfectly normal and healthy. No one seemed to have any answers or be able to tell us anything but, “Keep trying.” That is a little discouraging after the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years. I know God’s timing is perfect, and I trust that. But that does not always make the waiting and the longing and the disappointment any easier. It has been one of the hardest journeys we have been on, but God has been so faithful, and we continued to trust Him for our family.

I have learned how powerful and sustaining hope can be. There is always hope. And we kept believing God for our family, no matter what it looked like. I have learned things on this difficult journey that I would have never learned without walking through the pain and disappointment. My heart and our marriage have been shaped in ways that no other journey could shape us. There have been countless moments of despair and discouragement, that can be overwhelming, but God’s grace is even more overwhelming, as He gently walks us through those moments and heals our hearts and brings hope again on the other side. God is good. This is our story.

The following is a glimpse from my heart in the midst of the struggle, a couple of years into the journey, and several months before we found out that we were expecting: 

This journey has been very lonely and full of pain and disappointment. I have often felt ashamed that my body was not working the way it “should” be working. I am a woman. I should be able to get pregnant and care for my family that I long for. I have tried many different things – doctors, acupuncture, eating healthy, living as naturally as possible, etc. I have seen some improvements in my body through these things, but not the results we were hoping for.  I believe today more than I did 3 years ago that God is going to give us a family. You would think after years of this struggle that we would begin to lose faith. But, I feel like God has only given me more faith in who He is, in the waiting, in the quiet trust. I feel like we learn and grow and connect with others most often in struggle, as well. Although I would never wish this journey on anyone else, I treasure some of the precious moments with God and with my husband that we have shared along this journey. God has spoken to my heart so gently and so lovingly again and again. I can’t even doubt His goodness, in the midst of the struggle.

I share our story, not to be pitied or felt sorry for, but to glorify my Creator in the midst of the pain. We so often just pray for the struggle to be over quickly or to avoid the struggle altogether, but I believe there is something that God can do in our hearts only through suffering. It deepens our faith and dependence on Him, it strengthens us, it makes us aware of others’ pain, it teaches us to be compassionate, it reminds us that our story is different than everyone else’s story, and that is OK! Suffering reminds us that we are human, that we are not in control, and it allows us to grow deeper in community as we are vulnerable with our suffering. I’ll be the first person to admit that I am not good at sharing my suffering, but I am learning more and more that we often connect through that. I never know how sharing my story can encourage someone else or how someone else sharing their story can encourage me. It is not always easy, but I am starting to believe more and more that it is worth it.

So, if you are discouraged or doubting or losing hope, know that this is not the end. There is always hope. It is ok to question and to doubt and to lose hope. I have been there. And, I know there are others out there who are walking through way more intense suffering than we are. My desire is just to share our story, the pain, the disappointment, the struggle, the hope. I have good days and bad days, days where I feel very hopeful and days where I could just cry all day long because the disappointment is so heavy. I have wrestled with anger and frustration, doubt and fear. I have cried countless times. But, I am learning that life is more about the journey than the destination, so I press on, sometimes running ahead and sometimes struggling to put one foot in front of the other, but I’ll keep pressing on. No one survives without hope. And, I am finding that hope is found only in Christ.

Now, you see why this Thanksgiving morning brought so much joy and shock to our hearts. God is good, and we are thankful for our story, the pain, the disappointment, the hope, and ultimately the new life He has created! We wouldn't be who we are today without the journey, and for that we are thankful. We could not be more thankful and excited for what God has for the future and for this precious, little life!

What I've Learned about the Gospel through Fantasy Football :)

If you know me at all, you know that I might be a little competitive...ok, very competitive :) But if you grew up in the family I did, you have to be competitive to survive. My family lives, eats, and breathes sports and competition. I also like winning :) I even find board games competitive, and my husband won't even play games with me unless we are on the same team, so the competition doesn't get too intense. Haha! Well, I love football, and I love fantasy football. I like the excitement of the competition each week, watching which players are going to play well and how your team is going to do. So, bear with me as I connect this to what I have been learning about the gospel and grace the past few months...

Grace has always been a hard concept for me to grasp. As a matter of fact, I would say I am just truly learning what it is for the first time in my life, and it is humbling. I want to write more on thoughts about what I am learning in another post, but I was just connecting these dots last night after winning my fantasy football game :) With fantasy football, all I do is pick the players that I want to play on my team. And, although some players are pretty consistent, most of them vary from week to week. So, they may play incredible one weekend and score lots of points for my team, and then the next weekend, when I am depending on them to carry the team, they may not do so good, or not get much playing time, or get hurt, etc. The point is, all I do is pick my players and hope they play good. I don't get out there on the field and play. I don't practice all week, play an intense game, and then wake up sore for the next few days. I don't even watch the games all the time, depending on what we are doing all weekend. So, as much as the competitive side in me would just love to take all the credit for my fantasy football win, as if I had played on the actual football field, and won, I really can't. I don't do anything to win that game.

So, that is what I am learning about grace... as much as the flesh in me would love to take credit for the things I do, I simply can't. It is not about what I do, but about what has already been done for me on the cross, as my husband so often says. I so often try to work to earn God's favor, as well as the favor of others. But I am learning that grace is this incredible, rescuing gift God gives us. It is this overwhelming, all consuming gift. In the words of All Sons and Daughters, "You broke my chains of sin and shame, and you covered me with grace... I am set free." I still have a lot in my heart to grasp about this grace thing, but God is wrecking me. So, although grace is not just a chance you take, like I take on my players each week in fantasy football, it is nothing that I can take credit for. I can only rejoice in the victory :)

Thanksgiving

This year, we have gotten to celebrate the holiday all week long! It was such a blessing for Aaron and I to both be able to take the week the whole week off and spend time with our parents! His parents came in from Oregon, and we all drove to South Carolina to spend the week with my parents as well. I have started to fall in love with this quaint, historic city of Charleston. We have been here a couple of times before, but this is the longest we have been here with nothing to do but relax, enjoy family, and explore the city.  We have been to the beach, explored the adorable little island my parents live on, gone on a carriage ride through downtown Charleston, a boat ride out to Ft. Sumter (where the 1st shots of the civil war were fired), eaten lots of incredible food at local restaurants, shopped, watched football, enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast at Cracker Barrel (yes, we decided not to cook this year), watched a lot of Friday Night Lights, and had plenty of time to relax and enjoy family (even my little brother and his girlfriend, who I hardly ever get to see). It has been such a good time with family this week in this wonderful city! Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for...

The  Beach!

Carriage Ride in Charleston

The Girls 

Ft. Sumter

Downtown Charleston with my Love

Yep, lots of football :)

Folly Beach

The Landing - such good food right on the water!

My little brother and his girlfriend, Katie

My family :) Love them!

Our Love Story.... still continued :)

If you haven't read the first few parts of our story, start here and then read the next part here :) And the story continues... So, we are sitting down at "the riv," and Aaron starts telling stories...and then telling more stories...and a few more. This story-telling saga goes one for at least half an hour. I could tell he was nervous, and I knew what was coming, so I started to feel bad for him because he was so nervous to talk to me about our relationship! Haha! Then, [FINALLY], he said, "Well, I didn't just bring you down to the river to tell you stories all night..." I'm thinking, "I know! Talk to me" :) Haha. I could seriously hardly contain myself at this point. I wanted nothing more that night than for Aaron Nebrija to ask me to date him. So, he continues, "...I wanted to talk to you about our relationship." I still get butterflies just typing this out and reliving those moments. I'm such a girl, I know ;) But, seriously, this was a long time coming. He proceeded to tell me how much he enjoys hanging out with me and how much he liked me. He said lots of incredibly nice things about me and why he felt the way he did about me. He said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, a serious relationship. He also said, in the midst of the conversation, that he knew where God was calling in him life and he didn't know whether I would be on board with that or not, but the call was so clear that he knew he had to follow the call God had for him either with or without me. He said that he really hoped it would be with me! :) That is when I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with this man. I had always dreamed of a man who would take me on an adventure, a man who knew where he was going in life and was not afraid to risk to get there, and a man who passionately loved Jesus even more than me. So, OF COURSE, I told him that I was feeling the same way and there were so many things I liked about him, too. We talked about where to go from there. We decided to "take it slow," which didn't last very long ;) But, that night, we said we were not going to date yet, because Aaron wanted to talk to my dad first. I didn't really care either way, I was just so happy that I finally knew how he felt about me and that he wanted to pursue a dating relationship! He ended up telling me later that he was so nervous to talk to me because I told him about other guys at school that I was good friends with that took our relationship the wrong way. You know, the ones where you think you are just friends, but the other person is totally into you. I hated when that happened, because it could so easily ruin the friendship. It happened both ways for me over the course of my college years, but I had told Aaron about the times that had happened to me, so he was so afraid that was going to be the case with our relationship, that he was going to confess his love and I would just want to be friends. I asked him how in the world he could not know I was totally falling for him by all of the time we spent together, conversations, we had etc. But, he said he still felt like he had about a 50/50 chance in talking to me. That, honestly, made me feel even more special though, because he liked me enough to be willing to take that risk, not knowing what I would say or if it could potentially damage our friendship. Every girl wants to know she is worth the risk. My heart had never felt as full as it did that night up until that point in my life :) It is an incredible feeling to be pursued, fought for, risked for, and adored.

I was literally on Cloud 9 for I don't even remember how long. I remember seeing him in the cafeteria at school a few days later, talking to some friends. I vividly remember looking across the room and just having this incredible feeling in my heart that he was mine and I was his. I was so confident in the way he felt about me and the feelings he had expressed to me. I was totally falling in love :) We still weren't "dating" yet, so that story is coming next... :)

Marriage: A Refining Process

Marriage is the biggest refining process I have been through so far in my life. It has been an incredible adventure with the love of my life and my best friend, and it has also been a growing and stretching process along the way. I have been confronted with the ugliness of my own sin like never before. I have seen my desperate need for my Savior. I recently finished the book, When Sinners Say I Do, which I would definitely recommend to any married or soon-to-be-married couple! I hope to write more just on the book later, but this statement really stuck out to me and is so true: "Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by Him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God's rescue mission for your life. Often a spouse plays his or her part by raising the engine temperature and heating the oil. But if we're wisely honest we will realize that God is behind it all, revealing the familiar sin so that it might be overcome by amazing grace" (Dave Harvey). Wow! Why do I so often get frustrated with my husband when it is really just my own sin and flesh that is being stirred up?! I have never known and experienced grace more since I have been married either.  Just today, my husband sent me a simple, but profound text message with 4 simple words: "I still love you!" Despite my struggles and my sin, I am still so loved! That is a beautiful picture of the Gospel of grace, because when I am confronted with my own sin, I can hear my Father say, "And still, I love you." Marriage is an incredible process that God allows in our lives to bring us closer to Him and make us more like Him. I was just talking with someone yesterday who reminded me that in marriage, God is entrusting our hearts to each other for this time on earth, but our spouse is ultimately God's son or daughter. What an incredible gift and big responsibility God gives us. My prayer is that I love my husband well and that loving him ultimately brings glory to God. So, is my marriage an absolute adventure, one of the best things about my life, an overwhelming love relationship, and an incredible gift? Absolutely! Is it perfect? Not even close! Am I continually falling into the arms of grace and thanking God for an incredible husband to do life with? Of course :)

Perspective: I choose joy.

Perspective changes everything. I know this, yet I so often have to fight for my perspective to be in the right place. My current struggle is with being content where I am at. Don't get me wrong, I have many things to be thankful for, but being content has been tough recently. I have those moments where I just stop and think to myself, "Seriously, what am I doing with my life?" I have a good job, but it is not my passion. I am grateful to be involved in youth ministry alongside my husband, but I wish I had more time and energy to devote to those teenagers. I also wish I had more time and energy to invest in to my home and my marriage. I often feel like our lives are so crazy busy and the weeks go by so fast, but what am I really filling my time with? I have dreams and passions on my heart that I want to pursue, but time is not on my side, and unfortunately neither are finances. Aaron and I have big dreams, but I feel so stuck right now. But I have to choose to fight for joy, to trust that God is writing our story even when I am frustrated, and that God hears every cry of my heart. I have to trust that His, "not now" is for my best and all of His plans for our lives are good. I have to choose to be thankful rather than discouraged, knowing that God is good. I have to enjoy the little things, like tonight, some warm, yummy soup for dinner, jeans and a hoodie at a high school football game, and a beautiful fall night sitting out on the back porch, having a glass of wine with my husband. I choose joy.

Our new "Soup" bowls I made for us :)

I <3 Football! 

Our Love Story... continued

So, after that trip to Jordan, Aaron spent the rest of the summer in Romania and Mexico (of course, right?) Haha. He is always traveling the globe! So, we talked a few times while he was gone, but I didn't really think too much about it for the rest of the summer. I mean, of course, I thought about him, but from previous fears and experiences, I was trying not to "get my hopes up." At this point, I had no idea that Aaron had liked me for a several months prior to this, and I had convinced myself that he would never like me. (I know, I know, crazy, but those were my own struggles at the time). Dealing with my fears and insecurities is a whole other story, but at this point, my heart was pretty guarded. Aaron definitely had to fight for my heart, but I knew he was the one when he did fight for me :)

We got back to school that semester, my senior year, and Aaron and I were hanging out. And we somehow started hanging out more and more and more ;) And then somehow we found an excuse to see each other and hang out almost every day, whether we were studying together or walking around the city or grabbing a bite to eat, we just couldn't spend enough time together. That is something I have always been so grateful for about our relationship is that we were best friends before we started dating. We had so much fun together and genuinely just enjoyed each other's company and spending time together. Then, one day in September, Aaron asked me if I would be interested in going to a Rascall Flatts concert in Chicago. He knew I loved Rascall Flatts, and wanted to do something fun. However, one of my best friends was getting married on the day of the concert, so I told him that I would love to, but couldn't go :( Well the next thing I knew, he bought tickets to the Rascall Flatts concert in St. Louis for the day after I got home from the wedding! What?! Not only had he bought me tickets to the concert, but we were now driving from Chicago to St. Louis! So, by that point, we still had not talked about dating, but I knew something had to be up for him to buy my expensive concert tickets and plan a road trip for us.

So, a couple of weeks before the concert, Aaron and I were planning on hanging out one night, which was not uncommon. However, it was the craziest thing, because when I woke up that morning, before I even got out of bed, I knew that Aaron was going to ask me to date him that night. It was just one of those things that is hard to explain. I really believe that God was preparing my heart for what was to come. Because, honestly, God had been doing so much in my life and my heart up until that point, that I would not have been ready to date Aaron a day sooner. It was definitely not because I was not totally falling head over heels for him or because I did not want to date him, I did! There were just so many things that God was doing in my heart in that season of my life. God's timing is always so perfect! :) So, I had butterflies in my stomach all day long. The day seemed to drag on and on and that night when I got to see Aaron just could not come soon enough! I was excited and nervous and giddy.  We met up that night and went to our favorite little hole-in-the-wall taco joint, Taco Velos. I thought we would sit down and have dinner and a conversation about our relationship. Well, we got there, and Aaron asked if I just wanted to get food to go. At that point, I was starting to get disappointed. Maybe I was totally wrong, maybe those feelings I had all day were just made up in my mind and heart. So, we got our food to go, and were just driving around the city. Then, Aaron asked me if I wanted to go to "the riv." (That is what we called one of our absolute favorite spots in the city down on the Chicago river). Once he asked that, I knew what was coming... :)

Chicago Skyline

TO BE CONTINUED...