This is Our Story...

This past Thanksgiving morning, Aaron and I found out that we are having a baby! This will forever change Thanksgivings for us, as we could not be more thankful for this miracle God has so graciously given us. This has been a long, hard journey for us for the last several years. This is our story...

I will never forget the moment, a few years ago, I was sitting in our car, tears streaming down my face, feeling so discouraged and questioning so many things, when my husband leaned over and gently whispered, “This is our story.” He proceeded to remind me that our story will look different from other stories and we can’t question or compare those things, we can simply trust that God is writing our story perfectly for His glory and our good. That one simple phrase stuck with me and changed me. I actually made a canvas and hung it in our living room that said, "This is our story," to remind us of that truth. I often remind myself the beautiful, and sometimes hard, truth that God is writing our story perfectly. I will not always understand why He writes it the way He does, but I know that I can trust Him and that He is good. Even in the hardest moments, I don’t want to trade our story for anything else, because I know it is exactly where God has us.

I didn’t understand why Aaron and I had longed for a family for 3 years, and we had watched countless friends get pregnant and start families, while our desires seemed lost and hopeless at times.  We have both wanted and talked about having a big family since we started dating, and here we were 4 1/2 years into our marriage and still no sign of even starting that dream. It is hard, because I cannot control it. I can’t create life, only God can. Aaron and I had done our part; we have pursued different doctors and specialists and had many tests done, all which come back perfectly normal and healthy. No one seemed to have any answers or be able to tell us anything but, “Keep trying.” That is a little discouraging after the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years. I know God’s timing is perfect, and I trust that. But that does not always make the waiting and the longing and the disappointment any easier. It has been one of the hardest journeys we have been on, but God has been so faithful, and we continued to trust Him for our family.

I have learned how powerful and sustaining hope can be. There is always hope. And we kept believing God for our family, no matter what it looked like. I have learned things on this difficult journey that I would have never learned without walking through the pain and disappointment. My heart and our marriage have been shaped in ways that no other journey could shape us. There have been countless moments of despair and discouragement, that can be overwhelming, but God’s grace is even more overwhelming, as He gently walks us through those moments and heals our hearts and brings hope again on the other side. God is good. This is our story.

The following is a glimpse from my heart in the midst of the struggle, a couple of years into the journey, and several months before we found out that we were expecting: 

This journey has been very lonely and full of pain and disappointment. I have often felt ashamed that my body was not working the way it “should” be working. I am a woman. I should be able to get pregnant and care for my family that I long for. I have tried many different things – doctors, acupuncture, eating healthy, living as naturally as possible, etc. I have seen some improvements in my body through these things, but not the results we were hoping for.  I believe today more than I did 3 years ago that God is going to give us a family. You would think after years of this struggle that we would begin to lose faith. But, I feel like God has only given me more faith in who He is, in the waiting, in the quiet trust. I feel like we learn and grow and connect with others most often in struggle, as well. Although I would never wish this journey on anyone else, I treasure some of the precious moments with God and with my husband that we have shared along this journey. God has spoken to my heart so gently and so lovingly again and again. I can’t even doubt His goodness, in the midst of the struggle.

I share our story, not to be pitied or felt sorry for, but to glorify my Creator in the midst of the pain. We so often just pray for the struggle to be over quickly or to avoid the struggle altogether, but I believe there is something that God can do in our hearts only through suffering. It deepens our faith and dependence on Him, it strengthens us, it makes us aware of others’ pain, it teaches us to be compassionate, it reminds us that our story is different than everyone else’s story, and that is OK! Suffering reminds us that we are human, that we are not in control, and it allows us to grow deeper in community as we are vulnerable with our suffering. I’ll be the first person to admit that I am not good at sharing my suffering, but I am learning more and more that we often connect through that. I never know how sharing my story can encourage someone else or how someone else sharing their story can encourage me. It is not always easy, but I am starting to believe more and more that it is worth it.

So, if you are discouraged or doubting or losing hope, know that this is not the end. There is always hope. It is ok to question and to doubt and to lose hope. I have been there. And, I know there are others out there who are walking through way more intense suffering than we are. My desire is just to share our story, the pain, the disappointment, the struggle, the hope. I have good days and bad days, days where I feel very hopeful and days where I could just cry all day long because the disappointment is so heavy. I have wrestled with anger and frustration, doubt and fear. I have cried countless times. But, I am learning that life is more about the journey than the destination, so I press on, sometimes running ahead and sometimes struggling to put one foot in front of the other, but I’ll keep pressing on. No one survives without hope. And, I am finding that hope is found only in Christ.

Now, you see why this Thanksgiving morning brought so much joy and shock to our hearts. God is good, and we are thankful for our story, the pain, the disappointment, the hope, and ultimately the new life He has created! We wouldn't be who we are today without the journey, and for that we are thankful. We could not be more thankful and excited for what God has for the future and for this precious, little life!